The Classic "Pirates Versus Ninjas"

I wrote all of this up for a friend of mine for his webpage, and thought I'd post it. It could be better, but I didn't spend long writing it becuase it's meant to be a speech, and only briefly summarizes each topic there is to talk about. Enjoy.

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Resolution: Pirates are all around better than ninjas.
Blair Coppage (Affirmative)

I. This debate is centered on Pirates Versus Ninjas – who is the all around best? I, myself, don’t see why I even need to debate this, because, frankly it’s a no-brainer.
1. What else could have produced Blackbeard, the pirate’s pirate? In his day, he was thought to be the devil’s incarnate.
2. And what about Mary Read, who posed as a boy to gain access to a pirate ship, and remained unknown as a woman until she exposed herself, after taking power of a fleet? Ninjas aren’t the only ones who are the “Masters of disguise”.
3. Think about it. We’re better off debating something such as whether Star Trek's Enterprise could take on Star Wars's Death Star. I, the affirmative, affirm the claim that Pirates are all around better than Ninjas.
4. From dictionary.org, Pirate - One who robs at sea or plunders the land from the sea without commission from a sovereign nation. Ninja - A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage. Disguise - To modify the manner or appearance of in order to prevent recognition.

II. And what about style? This is not only a battle of pirate duds vs. basic black but individuality vs. conformity.
1. Ninjas are all in black, all the same. Granted, this helps them do their job (try sneaking up on anyone in bright red bandana and bangle bracelets) and protects their identity, important in the assassination field. But the ninjas really have no identity. They're all perfect killing machines... all of them. One is interchangable for another. For me, it's Ants Syndrome. When you see one ant, he's kinda cool. Cute, even. But when you see a lot of them, all crawling different ways, it's gross. Same with ninjas. When you see one perfect killing machine, it's cool. But a lot of them, all the same, and it's not that cool anymore. They're a dime a dozen.
2. Pirates don't run the risk of losing coolness if there's a lot of them because they're all different. They're all their own person. Even within the realm of pirates, there are many different types and styles of dress, from the Fashionable Sophisticated Dandy to the Lowly Scurvy Grog-guzzling Bestubbled Grunt, to the Crazy Old Pirate Captain With A Pegleg And A Hook And A Glass Eye And A Million Stories. You can mix, you can match, you can create your own. Be your own pirate!

III. Let's face it, being a pirate is just more fun than being a ninja.
1. Ninjas require a lot of schooling and often have to give their own lives for the greater good. Who wants that?
2. Pirates are just looking out for their own best interests, so they have more money, and do more of what they want, more of the time. True, there's a higher chance of you being killed by one of your co-workers, bosses, or numerous enemies. But if you survive, you've got a tidy pension to have fun on for the rest of your life. And in the meantime, looting and pillaging is just good times.

IV. Ninjas are mercenaries, so they go from boss to boss, being paid to kill so-and-so. When under a certain boss, they give complete loyalty. They would commit suicide before divulging mission information. If their boss orders them to commit suicide, they do that too without a peep.
1. Pirates are mercenaries, too. At least, they're mercenary. They work for profit and profit only. Mostly, piracy is a "look out for number one" type deal. Your captain won't look out for you particularly, except enough to keep you from mutinying, and you only look out for your captain insomuch as he causes the whole outfit to be profitable in the first place. If he gets too out of line, or doesn't make enough money, you can always mutiny (as a whole crew) or just leave (as an individual).
2. Ninjas don't have the option of backing out or changing the people in power, since their code (BUSHIDO) dictates crazy amounts of honor and loyalty.
3. All in all, pirates can fight, defy, kill, dodge, and out-drink and Ninja. They’re also ten times cooler. They get all the booty.

V. Let's look at it this way.... Who would you rather invite to a party?
1. The pirate who is going to be drinking it up, singing, dancing, telling outrageous stories, womanizing, and in general having a lot of fun...
2. Or ... The ninja who will spend the night silent, hiding in the shadows of some corner ...
Sounds like a lot of fun.

It wouldn't let me put the end in there

To end it, guys, I'm going to give you my top ten reasons why Pirates are better than ninjas all around;

10. Pirates totally do not eat their vegtables.

9. If you go out for a night on the town with a ninja, chances are you will end up having to drive them home since ninjas cant hold their liquor worth a damn.

8. Pirates think having scurvy is awesome.

7. If a pirate loses a hand or a leg to a ninja in battle, they just think "cool!" Then they come back the next day with a hook hand or peg leg and then totally unleash a full-on pillage against the ninja and steal his bike.

6. Pirates get to wear a patch over one eye - whether they need it or not.

5. When you're a pirate, bathing is optional.

4. Pirates are way better looking than ninjas. Thats why ninjas wear masks.

3. Pirates can surf, down a bottle of rum, chop a ninjas head off, and hang ten all at once.

2. When people say "captured pirates are always hung", they aren't talking about execution.

1. Ninjas totally return their movies to the video store on time. What are they trying to prove?

But Ninjas can totally flipout and cut people's head off!

http://www.realultimatepower.net/index4.htm

Flipping out is totally cool.

Then the pirate will get a peg for a head.

I think we are discounting that pirates help keep down global warming as well.

http://www.venganza.org/

FSM gospel. It is funny how we go to make fun of stuff.